Mom Guilt. The Worst Symptom of Chronic Illness.

Being a mom can be exhausting under the best of circumstances. Being a mom with chronic illness has it’s own set of challenges. Mom guilt is sure to rear it’s ugly head in the chronically ill. Chronic Urticaria affects approximately 1.6 million people in the United States and women are twice as likely to have it as men. Those of us that suffer this condition know that it is much more than skin deep, it changes our lives in a devastating way.

Being a mom with chronic illness can cause feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Learning to cope with those feelings and finding balance in your life should be a priority to any mom with chronic illness who is struggling with this.

The pressures of mothering

The expectations placed on mothers are remarkably high. Society still looks at the mother if the child is misbehaving, not reading on time, or still in diapers past two. Somehow all of these things fall onto the mother’s shoulders. When my son’s teacher needs to speak with a parent, it’s always me. When he gets into a fight with a friend, who do his parents want to talk to? Me. If he forgets his hat on a cold winter day, the neighbors are talking about me.

Then we have social media so we can compare ourselves to each other even more. We are always comparing ourselves to other moms. Pinterest queens PTA superstars, Instagram models of perfect parenting; seeing these mothers can make anyone feel less than enough.

Add chronic illness into the mix and you’re sure to feel guilty. When my son was little, I took him to the park maybe a total of 5 times. We rarely left the house. I was trying to cope with my illness but I felt like I was carrying around a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to show my face, distorted by swelling and rashes. I was on high doses of antihistamines that left me fatigued. I didn’t have the energy to take him to the park, the zoo, or the pool. I was also suffering from debilitating migraines with an aura that would have me bed-bound for days at a time.

My guilt was so severe that I felt suicidal at times. I felt like I was a terrible mother and I was failing my child. It was hard to get myself out of that place but with a little therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I have accepted that my mothering is “good enough”.

What is Mom Guilt?

Mom Guilt. The phrase alone speaks volumes. It encompasses self-doubt, criticism, and feeling unworthy. It can make the strongest of mothers feel out of control and undeserving of parenthood.

Mom guilt is extremely common.  Even the most perfect moms often wonder if they are good enough. But when you add chronic illness in the mix you are sure to feel mom guilt creeping up more often.

If you are a mom with Chronic Urticaria, or another chronic illness, it’s time to let that guilt go.

Dealing with Mom Guilt

Make Self Care a Priority

I say it all the time as a nurse and I mean it. You cannot take care of others effectively if you don’t take care of yourself. Make self-care a priority. As women, and especially mothers, we tend to be more givers than takers. Sometimes it’s hard to take time for yourself but it is absolutely essential when you suffer with a chronic condition.

Don’t beat yourself up if you need to some extra “mom time” once in a while.

Quality Time

Talk to your kids. I can’t always take my kids to the park or pool but we have meaningful conversations every night before bed. They feel important and I feel more involved and fulfilled as a mother. Even 10-15 minutes of one-on-one chit-chatting at night can mean a lot to a child.

I was talking to my brother recently about my mom guilt and how to prioritize. He asked me “Ten years from now are you going to regret not having a clean kitchen or not spending time with your kids?” It really helped to put things in perspective. I have accepted that my house will never be immaculate. It’s almost always messy to a point. I have learned not to care.

Be prepared

• Prep your veggies or buy them already prepared
• plan your meals
• batch cook
• Utilize planners and to do lists

Ask for help

This has been a hard one for me as well. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things you feel responsible for. Let some things go. It’s okay to delegate.

Hire a monthly deep clean team, ask moms in your neighborhood to car pool or do a meal train, speak up if your husband isn’t pitching in. Give your kids age-appropriate chores. Accept help when it is offered.

Don’t try to hide your illness

Your kids can see what is going on. Don’t try to hide it from them. Have age-appropriate conversations. If they ask a questions, don’t lie or try to make light of it. It’s okay to say “Mommy is too tired” or “mommy doesn’t feel good”.

Stop the comparisons

This is SO hard. It’s natural to want to look at other mothers and wish that you were like them. Pinterest perfect mommies, Instagram model mommies, head of the PTA mom who manages to do ALL the things and still look fantastic. It’s hard not to compare yourself and feel that you are a bad mother. You showed up late, wearing sweats and a messy bun and your kid has his shirt on backwards. You feel like these other mothers are somehow superior to you. Where do they get the energy? Find the time?

I know, this is a tough one. I struggle with this a lot.

You don’t just compare yourself to those super moms, but your neighbors, the parents of your child’s classmates, members of your family, your friends. It’s natural to compare ourselves but important to remember that they aren’t you. They haven’t experienced the things you have and you are the best mother for your child.

The comparison game will drag you down and tear you apart. You may feel frustration, embarrassment, despair. It may even make you feel angry and bitter, which is certain to affect your relationships with your children.

As a mom with chronic illness, you can’t help but think “what if…” In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. Wondering won’t change things. Comparing yourself will only bring you down. Let’s focus on what we CAN do. You are doing your best, that is good enough.

You are a good enough mom.

Remember this!  Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it but you are. Nobody is perfect and your best is good enough. Kids are resilient and as long as their basic needs are met and you let them know how much they are loved, they’ll be fine. Really.

Growing up, my mother was chronically ill. She was wheelchair-bound at times and spent hours laying on the couch, dozing on and off. And guess what? I’m not scarred. My favorite times with my mom were spent cuddling on the couch or laying on a blanket in the backyard doing nothing but talking. Your child is not going to remember what you didn’t do. They are going to remember what you did do. So concentrate on quality and what you are able to do at that moment.